A Call for Presence in the Face of Technological Creep
We’re beyond the rigidity of “no phones at the table” or tech sabbaths. It’s a new era for parenting and tech.
A classic Little Golden Book I read with my kids when they were toddlers was The Mommy Stories — a collection of three Little Golden Books from the 1950s to today: Baby Dear, We Help Mommy, and Mommies: All About the Work They Do. The collection appealed to me because of the last story about working moms and all the ways we are an integral part of society, including, but not limited to, my vocation at the time:
“And some stand up in church and preach.”
But to get to the book's more progressive, working mom part, you had to get through the 1950s and 1960s publications, Baby Dear and We Help Mommy, which are super white and patriarchal and look like something from June Cleaver’s library. My babies were fascinated by the toddlers and preschoolers depicted in those stories who dutifully followed their mom around, helping her with homemaking while tending to the family’s new baby.
The mother models for her son and daughter how much each family member contributes to their happiness, wholeness, and thriving. Little Susie makes a surprise pastry for Daddy, little Ted carries the grocery bag home from the supermarket, Dad reads bedtime stories, and mom ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶e̶l̶s̶e̶ manages the meals and oversees the house-cleaning.
Remote Work & The Domestic Landscape
Unless you live under a rock, you’ve been impacted in some way by the shift to remote work that opened up a new frontier of work-life balance since COVID-19. Technology isn’t just at our fingertips to check email on our phones — without a regular commute, disconnecting from the office and reconnecting with our nuclear families is a blurred line.
New paradigms are necessary for teaching kids about the boundaries of tech. When I imagined becoming a parent as I watched my “elders” navigate teens, phones, and dinner time, I took the “no phones at the table” rule to be standard practice for navigating this territory and prayed with Tina Fey:
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
But now, I’m not imagining parenting; I’m in the trenches with two school-age kids and a work-from-home career. Just like I can do laundry between Zoom calls during the day, I have work obligations that sometimes cross into the evenings and weekends with my children. I’m learning alongside my kids about the usefulness and ethics of tech.
When is my full attention and presence needed and beneficial at home?
When is work the priority?
Finding an Appropriate Tech Ethic at Home
Kids benefit from boredom and the ability to get lost in their creative projects and reflection time. I’m amazed by what my two offer the world through their freeform pen-and-paper math and sewing projects when screens are off-limits. But in the same way adults benefit from a little “check out time” online, kids deserve to zone out on Netflix or appropriate YouTube videos as part of their self-care.
Just like when I taught them to ride their bikes, supervision and close attention as kids learn the proper use of technology is necessary. Millennials are parenting in a world radically different from our parents.
I got my first cell phone at age 15 — a camera flip phone — but my siblings were well into their young adult years before they got theirs. #youngestkid
I’m planning to “Wait Until 8th” with my kids.
Big Data scares me, but not enough to never post my kids online. It’s also where I connect with a community of other moms, pastors, and other nomads of Christianity’s late-stage capitalism tween years.
My best friends and I are separated by several hours, our full-time jobs and our families. My sister and I are separated by an ocean and a few time zones. Technology keeps us connected and ensures we don’t let the other go too many days without drinking our water or completing the Wordle.
I don’t need to be praised or judged by another well-meaning elder on my child’s use of or refraining from the use of screens. Kids deserve love and affirmation regardless of their ability to sit through lackluster adult conversation at a restaurant.
But last week, I was out of the office (aka not opening my laptop and only entering my home office to grab gift wrap supplies) preparing for Christmas and spending time with my kids over their holiday break. It was hard and a not-ideal time to be away, but I learned that presence isn’t going all Peter Pan at the end of Hook and throwing your phone in the snow, while absence can occur whether you have wifi.
I learned that my kids still experience my presence, we make memories, and get to craft, even if I have to respond to an email or listen in on a call.
What mattered was that while we were together, we were really together — riding bikes and not thinking one iota about the new business strategy at work.
We also used our devices to text each other (all the emojis!), facetime about lunch options (yes, in the same house), and send Grandma critical crafting updates.
We began to ask ourselves:
How are we using technology?
Is it a tool for meaningful connection? Or a separator from the present reality?
If it’s being used to separate us from the present, that isn’t necessarily bad. We discuss how cranky we all are at the end of a day when technology has pulled us away from each other and our own emotional experience, and we commit to doing better the next day.
Like many parts of parenting, I encourage my peers in the trenches to judge themselves (and others) less and practice more genuine curiosity.
It’s a lot like how I think about educating kids about sex. If the overarching message can be summed up as “sex is bad,” they judge themselves for wanting it and enjoying it and then hide it from you, their parent.
But if you talk about how wonderful it is to be intimate with someone who loves you, respects you, cherishes you, and with whom you are willing to face the responsibilities and consequences, then here’s how to do it safely and what to be prepared for.
Technology, too, is risky. But community is sacred and necessary, and we need the tech to keep up with, build, and maintain the community.
Parents aren’t the only ones hooked on our phones, but we get picked on the most. Gen-Z and Gen Alpha are holding their peers accountable for too much screen time. Phones are a tool, not a life, but what are they a tool for?
Phones are cookbooks, answering machines, VCRs, Coloring Books, Instruction Manuals, Cameras/Camcorders, Editing Software, DJs, Encyclopedias…the possibilities are endless.
My dad was a long-time Rotarian and taught us “The Four Way Test”:
- Is it the truth?
- Is it fair to all concerned?
- Will it build goodwill and better friendships?
- Will it be beneficial to all concerned?
The world is changing rapidly; finding and following “the truth” is too lofty a challenge for us, who are simultaneously learning new technology and keeping up with our kids’ rapid absorption of new tools. We must consider our use and technological needs when developing family norms of fairness.
The guiding question for me and my family has become:
Is this helping or hurting our connection to community right now?
Elaine is a writer, mother, change agent, and communications professional. She lives in Boerne, Texas with an unruly dog, two remarkably bright children and her witty, inspiring spouse.
