Loving Someone Whose Choices You Don’t Like
The daughter who returns to her abuser. The friend who has a moral failing. The addict who fails, again, at sobering up.
We are undeniably inhabitants of a world that is increasingly more divided. Similar to how the US related leading up the Civil War, some of the starkest disagreements happen within our own families. But regardless of who you’re voting for (or if you’re voting!), the most important lesson to learn as human beings who care about peace and stability, is how to have compassion for people whose behaviors you cannot support.
Love Requires Risk
We risk our hearts when we love someone. Even sharing a smile at the checkout or a “how’s your day?” check in with a server risks something of ourselves. Rejection and callousness permeate the fabric of our social structure because we have become hardened by repeated traumatic experiences reminding us we are alone in the world and our only chance of survival is cordoning ourselves off from anything that might pose a threat. If hyper-independence is our norm, starting with compassion in our approach to each other is already living on the edge.
But there are those we love and we don’t even have a good reason why — family, the ones who are near us or seem like us in some way or another. It’s easier to identify with a person who is in the same life situation as you or has some aspect to their lives that matches up with yours. It’s like a hidden auto-subscription to our love “bank account” — we risk caring about them without even knowing our hearts have opened.
Why It Hurts When Others Disappoint Us
It’s natural to want good things for those we care about. In a bedtime conversation with my daughter a few nights ago, I blessed her with as much, “Sweetie, I want only good things for you” I said, as I stroked her hair.
“But Mom, “ my wise 10-year old replied, “It’s not always going to be like that. Then I’d never learn.” Ooph.
Punch to the gut.
Would I save my own children from pain if it also meant keeping them from learning? Growing?
Not all learning is painful, but it does to a degree, always require an acknowledgement of the gap between our present state and who we are to become.
When others behave in ways we don’t approve or think they should, the gap between the present state and who one is becoming comes into sharp focus.
- Will this choice lead them further away from us?
- Is it a choice that pulls them beyond the bounds of our safe, settled lives?
- Is that an adventure we are open to or able to take at this time?
The answers to these questions are not always clear. The questions stir in us an awareness of our own ethics and values. In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown leads readers through a values clarity exercise to pick the two values from a list of over 100 words that are most important to us. After the reader picks the top 10 or so, getting the list down to two becomes measurably more difficult. Dr. Brown comes to a conclusion that many followers of her work do to:
“My two core values are where all of the ‘second tier’ circled values are tested.”
For example, “compassion” was on my top ten list, but courage and joy are the top two, so my compassion for others is always tested through this lens:
Is it brave?
Will it lead to joy?
When someone we love disappoints us, we ask ourselves, “why?” What is it about their behavior that tickles that inherent treasured place in us?
Once we can identify, “Oh! This behavior reminds me of all the things I was afraid of as a child!” or “This threatens the sanctity of the things I hold dear” we can ask ourselves if this threat is a temporary reaction or a permanent pattern.
When someone’s behavior makes us feel a certain way, it’s on us to investigate and get curious about our own reactions, rather than shutting down and canceling them from our lives OR ignoring ourselves and dismissing the internal alarm bells going off.
Reading the Weather on Whether You’ll Stay
Some behaviors are like whether patterns, blowing in for an afternoon or a season, and while we sometimes don’t appreciate a windstorm in the forecast, we know we can hold out for sunnier skies.
Some behaviors have a volatile pattern and we might consider moving to a new climate.
A friend’s therapist made the mistake of telling him once, “feelings aren’t real.” and sometimes those bad pieces of wisdom stick.
Feelings, and reactions are quite real just like a hurricanes and earthquakes are too. But feelings are not permanent.
The way you feel about your friend or family member’s choices may change, and they are also capable of changing their behavior.
As you investigate your values when you disagree, ask yourself the miracle question,
“If I could wave a magic wand, what would be different about this situation that would preserve the relationship?”
Some examples of answers:
- My loved one would quit drinking for good.
- My daughter would be brave enough to leave.
- My friend would apologize and change their ways.
The answers don’t have to be things in your control — that’s the magic of the miracle question! But the answers do reveal where the crux of the gap is between what you want for a person you care about, and where their choices are leading them in a different direction.
Then you must decide.
Can I love them in spite of the choices they make?
How?
What can I do to protect myself from being hurt by their choices?
Some ideas:
- limited contact
- Keeping your finances out of their access/control
- Protecting children from the dangers of their behavior
Sometimes you can’t protect others (like children), but you can dig into your values and see how to show up in a supportive way. Many stories of child survivors of domestic abuse tout the positive impact of even one caring adult outside of their family showing an interest, demonstrating their unconditional love and support was the difference between life and death, hope and despair.
It is a brave thing to love someone and open yourself to love. People are free to make their own choices, and with every choice comes a consequence. The opportunities are ripe for us to practice differentiating ourselves enough to protect our safety, growth, and values, while also choosing to be in relationship with others, even those who challenge us.
May you have the blessing of courage and joy in facing these lessons.
Elaine Murray is a seasoned writer, compassionate soul, and student of the human experience. Elaine shares valuable reflections on navigating the delicate balance between love, understanding, and personal growth.
