What Marriage Taught Me About Managing Change
Best Marriage Tip? Don’t marry a jerk. Second best? Practice the pause.
When my spouse and I were just learning each other–in the early days of our relationship, I would shut down if I’d been triggered or called out. Coming from an abusive first marriage, the opportunities were ripe for me to get upset or spooked by the everyday events of life in relationship with others. My coping strategy was pretty toxic: I would metaphorically (or literally) hang up the phone, insist on going to bed or shut the door on conflict. But that strategy hurt our relationship even more.
I learned to practice the pause.
Just asking for time to process–a margin to dig into my feelings and next steps was the difference between a knock-down drag out event and a conversation that led us deeper into trust and effectiveness. I learned to ask for time– Give me 15 minutes. In fifteen minutes I could take a walk, or put pen to paper and describe my feelings.
